I was feeling really bad after yesterdays post, sorry for being a Debbie Downer. I want to change the mood, and leave a better taste in everyone's mouth.
May 1st, 2011 is the day our baby girl is due. I cannot tell you how powerful this pregnancy has been for me. More than ever before I know and understand what a true miracle it is to have a child. I am very thankful for this amazing blessing.
The morning before Blake's second birthday, I woke up to an odd dream. In my dream I was taking a pregnancy test. As the results started to appear, the test stick displayed 3 red lines. Thinking this was rather odd, I looked at the box to see what 3 lines meant. To my surprise, the box said "Congratulations, you are having twins!". At that moment, I woke up. Immediately, I wondered if it could be true. I happened to have a pregnancy test at home, so I jumped out of bed and took the test. Within seconds I saw the big double lines, it was positive! I like to think the 3 lines represented Blake being with us and giving us his ok.
We told our family right away. After experiencing two miscarriages, one in which we didn't tell anyone we were pregnant and one where we told everyone right away, we have decided it feels better for people to know than to not know. Because of my history, I didn't want to get too excited but from the start it felt like a pregnancy that was going to "stick". On Blake's birthday, a number of people told me with a tear in their eye that this pregnancy must be a gift from Blake to help us get through what should have been his 2nd Birthday. He gave us a new reason to have hope.
Emotionally, this pregnancy has been a mini roller coaster. Not a huge one, only a few ups and downs. For me personally it has brought so much hope. Hope in a time where we need it the most. Something to keep us moving forward. I know when she is born, it will stir up a number of emotions, but I also know that she will bring so much love and pure joy into our life and into our hearts. For that I am extremely thankful.
My biggest fear has been that I will compare her to Blake. I know some comparing is normal, but I don't want every little thing she does to be compared to her brother. I want her to feel just as special and unique. Blake, in my eyes, was a perfect child. He slept through the night at 7 weeks old, breastfed no problem, was such a happy baby/child and such a people person. I know I will fall head over heals when I meet her and a lot of this worrying will be for nothing. I just get a little anxious over-analyzing it all!
We are excited for this new chapter in our life. Please keep us in your prayers...pray for our healing hearts, peace and comfort, and that Blake will be with us in spirit through it all.
7 comments:
Hi - I have found your blog very difficult to read, perhaps because there are so many similarities with my life. Blake is a gorgeous little boy.
Our Catherine died a week after Blake, on 13th April. Like Blake, she has also been very healthy all her life, and died from an overwhelming infection in the space of a few hours. The shock is just indescribable, isn't it?
I am also pregnant (though I am guessing I am quite a bit older than you - I turned 40 the day before Catherine's funeral). Our baby is due in July. I can relate to so much of what you say about your pregnancy - it is another rollercoaster...
Thinking of you and hoping, Susan x
Praying of course!
And no, you were not a Debbie Downer by any means yesterday. It was real, and it was touching.
Never doubt yourself or feel bad for sharing what you are feeling. You are a VERY strong mama!!!
I can't wait for baby girl's arrival!!!
I didn't think you were a downer in anyway. Come on seriously girl you have every right to just " GO OFF." I can not wait to see this gorgeous little gal. Im sure she will look just like your Blake, but in girl version. Let all the girlie stuff begin. Bows, dresses, and just all the cute girl stuff. Love ya!
Stacey, your words always bring so many emotions to the surface for me. I still feel so much sadness about Blake but my heart literally starts pounding with excitement when I think of this new baby being born and getting to hold this little life in your hands.
One thought I had reading this new entry is maybe try not to think of it as a comparison, but think of it as part of Blake's spirit in this little girl. If she looks like him or has a similar mannerism that reminds you of him, it's just another way that Blake is letting you know he is with you and with her. Maybe that will bring you more comfort and make his presence feel even stronger in your life. We love you all so much.
Stace,
I think it’s normal for any parent to compare their children to one another just as we compare the pregnancies of each baby, whether they are in heaven or on earth with us. Each child is different yet has similarities of one another. Blake was an amazing little man. Looking at his pictures brings such warmth to my heart. His smile and love for life, people, and his family was/is so amazing to witness. I know that your little girl with defiantly have the same qualities and she too will be such an honor to have.
It has been awhile since I have been on your blog and I am so impressed with your words and honesty. It is difficult to know or think of what you are going through if we haven't been through it...all I can say is that I love you on happy days, sad days, high days, low days, and the ones in between :) You are an amazing woman, momma, wife, daughter, and friend.
praying!
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