Half A Year, A Third of A Lifetime

6 months.  How in the world has it been 6 months already?  6 months since we held our son, sobbing, wishing things had ended differently.  I remember repeating over and over on my way to the hospital, I don't understand.  To this day I still don't understand.  I am trying to accept that it's not for me to understand, but that is a very hard process.  I'm his mother, I should be able to understand.  If he had been sick and we knew death was a possibility then maybe, just maybe I would understand.  At least I could say, he isn't in pain anymore.  But that wasn't the case.  Blake was healthy, thriving, happy, full of love and had a full life to yet live.  Some days I can convince myself and truly believe that Blake is better off.  I fully believe that he is in heaven and is in a place where he will never feel pain of any sort.  In a way he was saved from all the trails of life on earth.  I believe this firmly....but that doesn't mean that I don't feel jaded and heartbroken.  I recently remembered an internal conversation I had with myself one night while rocking Blake to sleep. Out of the blue had this panicked feeling come over me. I couldn't help but think what I would do if something ever happened to this sweet little boy.  My initial thought was, I would not be ok...how could I be ok.  I remember squeezing him tighter, just wanting to hold on to him with all my power, while shaking that horrible thought from my head.  Not even a second later, my thoughts changed to, I would be ok because he would be ok.  I’m trying to remember that feeling, the peace I felt that I would be ok, knowing he is perfectly ok.

It’s extremely hard not getting any answers.  I haven't written about this before, and I’m sure some of you have wondered.  It took nearly 4 months for Blake's autopsy to come back.  We were told for weeks we would have it that week and inevitably we would be left waiting.  Unfortunately the report came back without any concrete evidence.  We learned that his kidneys were two different sizes, but no sign that they weren't functioning just fine.  Blake had bit his tongue, so they think he may have had a febrile seizure.  Our doctor hasn't accepted this as the end all be all for too many factors that he believes dismisses this theory.  Blake did have a fever that night, about 102.  Blake was a fever kid and if he had a fever it would be 105.  So a 102 was nothing for him, certainly nothing to make us worried. I can't tell you the number of times we took him to the doctor or urgent care or the ER for 105 fevers.  Every time we took him in they said he clearly handles them fine and basically not to worry.  If he was going to seize he would have done it a long time ago.   They would tell us how to dose him and send us on our way.  We gave him Motrin before bed that night and he went to sleep without any fuss at all.  Soon after Blake's death, the recall on Motrin came out.  Sure enough the bottle we had for Blake was a part of the recall.  Let me say I personally think the FDA is a joke.  Their protocol was absurd.  Blake's doctor asked for the bottle so he could hold onto it and make the coroner’s office test the bottle.  He also had to file a report with the FDA to alert them that a child had died after taking the medication.  The FDA sent a letter to us that basically said, we may or may not look into this.  The FDA then contacted our doctor and told him that the bottle of Motrin now belonged to them and they were going to pick it up.  Dr. J completely disagreed and said this bottle belongs to the parents and they will hold onto it and have it tested.  In my mind the FDA wanted to pick it up so they could sweep it under the rug.  In the end we did find out that the bottle was under dosed by 10%.  Did this 10% make a difference?  Maybe so, maybe since Blake didn't get a full dose his fever still was able to spike and cause him to seize?  We will never know...

It's hard to believe that 6 months have gone by.  A third of his lifetime has passed.  We are trying our best to keep living our life, living our life in honor of Blake.  It's not an easy process, but all things considered I think we are doing a pretty good job.

God, please grant me 

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

Courage to change the things I can, 

And wisdom to know the difference.