1 Year & 5 Days

As the April 5th date was approaching, I thought a lot about all the things I wanted to say, but as the date came a went my mind has been blank.  Then it dawned on me, it's not the date itself that is a profound day, it's everyday.  Everyday we muster up the courage to face another day, slap on a smile and manage to go about our day to a fairly normal degree.  The anniversary dates, holidays, birthdays...they differ in the sense that we are forced to think of little else except the fact that our sweetest boy is gone.  We know this to be true everyday, how could we possibly forget, but these days are special because they are set aside to truly remember and honor Blake.  I feel as though we have done a good job keeping Blake's spirit and smile alive in our daily life and house, but I do put too much pressure on myself and want to do something really grand in Blake's honor every year.  Sam talked some sense into me for this anniversary date, he felt it was more important to get through the final big year of "firsts" and then focus on what we would like to do in his honor down the road.  I just want to do him justice and I know we have in smaller ways, but I feel like we can do more.  Until then, we will continue to honor him by speaking his name often and telling our favorite stories about him, keeping pictures of his sweet smile and spunky personality on our walls, and passing on his name to his little sister. 

Not a day has passed where we haven't stopped in our tracks for a moment to think of Blake. Sometimes the memories are filled with tears and disbelief, and other times we just smile, take a deep breath and sigh.  I still find myself thinking this can't be real...I know it is in reality, but it's so hard to grasp still.  It's amazing how many little Blakey-isims I remember, yet I can watch a video that I haven't seen in a while and be reminded of something he used to do and be in disbelief that I have forgotten.  I still feel close to him which I am beyond grateful for, I pray that never fades.  Every night before I say my prayers, I say good night to Blake and tell him how much I miss him and love him.  I always end the conversation saying, I hope to see you in my dreams tonight.  My dreams of Blake, though few and far between, are the most precious things I have.  I can't wait until I can hold him in my arms again and see that sweet, sweet smile in person.

A friend of a friend emailed us a few weeks ago and shared her vision on Heaven... "I like to think that in Heaven, time is irrelevant -- days and years fly by in a blink - and so, to those already there, it will seem like no time at all before they are reunited with their loved ones.  Blake will blink, and there his mommy will be.  It is infinitely harder for those that are left behind.  And so, as his mom, you've taken the harder path - you are the one here, who needs to get through each day, while Blake enjoys the beauty of Heaven.  Bless you for that." 

We love you Blakers!